Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: