Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

*mops up wine with cat*

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!