@XplodingUnicorn

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

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@PaulyPeligroso

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

@RadOrDie

I wouldn’t mind getting arrested today because I’m having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.

@TheHyyyype

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

@LionJenkins

I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.

@Barknado69

Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”

@TrainedHedonist

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

@novicefather

[Personal ad]

Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.

@DontTouchMyWine

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*