I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
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ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are