I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
barbara was highly relatable
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
How do you like your Corgi?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
My blood type is coffee.
