I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
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Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.