Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

So glad we cleared that up

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

This is my bus stop.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?