*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
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Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET