*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
getting corrected
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.