*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Y’all ready for this
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.