*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

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Log Entry 21: it’s been 3 weeks & we’re still lost in this Macy’s. We were forced to eat Amy. Polo ties are now 40% off.


Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”


I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating


While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full…I’ll just be drinking from the bottle !


her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst



Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>


*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”


Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.


co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”