King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.