I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition