Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?