Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

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