I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
i want to work in this restaurant
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Not😆🤣
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?