Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

I love the honesty

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!