I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
This could be us, but you weedin’.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
That’s incredible! 👌