I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.