Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

🤔😂😂

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.