@juicymorsel

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

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@ch000ch

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

@momjeansplease

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

@KenJennings

The thing about liking Kanye is that no matter how into him you are, you’re AT BEST his #2 fan.

@SimplySnaccbar

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

@squirrel74wkgn

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

@P1ssed_K1d

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

@shwebby3

*Pulls away from Kissing*

Me: This isn’t weird is it?

Cat: Meow

@gianni_bcn

I think I pulled a muscle paying my registration fee at the gym

@dumbbeezie

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer