I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad