Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.