Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

*weighs self after shaving

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT