Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

Put this video in the Louvre

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”