Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.