I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
You Might Also Like
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.