I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
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My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My plans: 2020:
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!