Möther may I have a snäck
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do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*