I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!