Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Holy moly

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

2 years later

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.