Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman