I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
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Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers