I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020