I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back