I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
![]()
You Might Also Like
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
![]()
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience