Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

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God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Spoiler Alert: I was late

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah