Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?