I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
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If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Worst bar ever.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice