I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
You Might Also Like
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.