I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
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inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
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