Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.