Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship