Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

These are too funny not to post 😂

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

🤣

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk