I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
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So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
what it’s like dating me:
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO