I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Lmao 🤣
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
🤣dope
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”