I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
best first i’ve ever seen
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win