Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

here we go again

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

I can’t stop watching this.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.