Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

All excellent questions

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

Spotted in New Orleans.

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?