I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.