I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
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If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Cake safety first. Always.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Breaking news:
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!