I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger