I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
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I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Message from the dog groomers
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?