I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
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Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
me hooking up with my ex
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.