I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
You Might Also Like
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I did not eat the cake…
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses