2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
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You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Stonehinge
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist