Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

i could never be president. im overqualified.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them