Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

That’s incredible! 👌

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

*exercises sarcastically*

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing