Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.