I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
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the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Good morning
