I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
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I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.