I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
That’s amazing.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
President The Rock Obama
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??