I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
