I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.