Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

*performs CPR on the turkey*

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.