Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

I can’t wait!

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?