I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
