I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
#Caturday
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces