I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
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[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Always the camel, never the toe.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right