I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
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I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Pigeon open mic night.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead