I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
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met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
translated into Canadian
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.