I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
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Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent