I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
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I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
opening twitter today
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
We don’t deserve birds.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time