I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Baller is short for ballerina
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
