I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
You Might Also Like
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Great game to play with friends
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!