I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
can’t catch a break
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Ion see the issue
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
but that was my emotional support daylight
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.