Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat